Candidate Help Diamond

Duffman can’t breathe! OH NO! Please do not offer my god a peanut. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.

You don’t frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Ah-thoor Keeng, you and all your silly English K-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-niggits! I’m not a witch.

Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*

I just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. Fry, that doesn’t make sense. Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly? …To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? …To shreds, you say.

Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot. Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

Progress

Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours.

I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

OK, if everyone’s finished being stupid.

Beverage Diamond

Look, everyone wants to be like Germany, but do we really have the pure strength of ‘will’? And why did ‘I’ have to take a cab? How much did you make me? They’re like sex, except I’m having them! These old Doomsday Devices are dangerously unstable. I’ll rest easier not knowing where they are.

Oh no! The professor will hit me! But if Zoidberg ‘fixes’ it… then perhaps gifts!

Yes, except the Dave Matthews Band doesn’t rock. I was having the most wonderful dream. Except you were there, and you were there, and you were there! When I was first asked to make a film about my nephew, Hubert Farnsworth, I thought “Why should I?” Then later, Leela made the film. But if I did make it, you can bet there would have been more topless women on motorcycles. Roll film!

Player

How do you know she is a witch? I’m not a witch. Be quiet! Camelot!

I dunno. Must be a king. Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods. Well, we did do the nose. Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! On second thoughts, let’s not go there. It is a silly place.

But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life. D’oh. I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.

UK Germany Bed

The nose? Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system! What do you mean? Shut up! Now, look here, my good man. Now, look here, my good man.

Look, everyone wants to be like Germany, but do we really have the pure strength of ‘will’? And why did ‘I’ have to take a cab? How much did you make me? They’re like sex, except I’m having them! These old Doomsday Devices are dangerously unstable. I’ll rest easier not knowing where they are.

I was saying “Boo-urns.” I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children… Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”

Yeah, and if you were the pope they’d be all, “Straighten your pope hat.” And “Put on your good vestments.”

I’m not a witch. The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king.

Nuclear

Well, I got better. She looks like one. Well, she turned me into a newt. What a strange person. Well, what do you want?

Well, thanks to the Internet, I’m now bored with sex. Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence? This opera’s as lousy as it is brilliant! Your lyrics lack subtlety. You can’t just have your characters announce how they feel. That makes me feel angry!

Incidentally, you have a dime up your nose. Goodbye, cruel world. Goodbye, cruel lamp. Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes, lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin and the cute little pom-pom curtain pull cords. Cruel though they may be…

Well, I got better. She looks like one. Well, she turned me into a newt. What a strange person. Well, what do you want?