Candidate Help Diamond

Duffman can’t breathe! OH NO! Please do not offer my god a peanut. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.

You don’t frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Ah-thoor Keeng, you and all your silly English K-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-niggits! I’m not a witch.

Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*

I just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. Fry, that doesn’t make sense. Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly? …To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? …To shreds, you say.

Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot. Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.